


Things Unspoken

by static_abyss



Category: Spartacus Series (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Breaking Up & Making Up, M/M, Prompt Fill, Relationship Problems
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-23
Updated: 2013-09-23
Packaged: 2017-12-27 10:09:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/977515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/static_abyss/pseuds/static_abyss
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Agron plans how he's going to leave Nasir. He thinks it'll be easier for both of them if he does it in steps, pushes away just a bit each day until Nasir realizes that he's better off without Agron. The whole plan is stupid, and if Agron had bothered to ask Nasir, Nasir would have told him so.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Things Unspoken

**Author's Note:**

  * For [onlymywishfulthinking](https://archiveofourown.org/users/onlymywishfulthinking/gifts).



> This was written for [omwt's](http://omwt.livejournal.com/) brilliant nagron video, which you can watch [here](http://onlymywishfulthinking.tumblr.com/post/54293308134/nagron-modern-au-my-contribution-to-the). So go watch it and love it. It's awesome. Be aware that this fic does not follow the video exactly. This is just how I interpreted the prompt. That said, I hope you enjoy. 
> 
> Many thanks as always to theswearingkind who is my beta goddess and who deserves far more praise than I can ever hope to give her. She did her absolute best with this fic. And so any remaining mistakes are entirely my own.

Agron plans how he's going to leave Nasir.

He thinks it'll be easier for both of them if he does it in steps, pushes away just a bit each day until Nasir realizes that he's better off without Agron--though, Agron knows, that this is mostly for his own benefit because it's the only way he'll be able to leave. He didn't have a mother who taught him that it's better to rip off the bandage in one go than to pull it off little by little.

The reasons why he should leave Nasir come to him in bits from watching Duro with his girlfriends. Agron isn't patient because he was too old to have a foster mother who taught him how, didn't have a foster dad to teach him that there are better ways to deal with aggression. Duro can laugh when his girlfriends joke that they're leaving him, but Agron is always afraid that Nasir _will_ leave, even though he never says he will.

Duro didn't want to leave, but he was gone anyway back when Agron needed him to stay. He lost his parents and his brother, but Agron did his best to never leave Duro. He knows that Duro didn't mean to go, but it felt that way when he packed his bags and went to college. He made new friends and forgot to call, and Agron is tired of losing people.

Life has made Agron defensive when it comes to the people he cares about. It's made him wary, always expecting others to go, expecting Nasir to wake up and realize that Agron is too damaged to fix. It gets tiring after so many years of loving fiercely and knowing it's going to end. He thinks he probably should find a psychologist in the middle of nowhere who doesn't know who he is and won't tell Nasir or Duro. But it's one thing to know he needs help, and another to actually find the courage to _get_ help.

Leaving Nasir seems like the best thing for both of them, because Agron knows he's going to break apart and take everyone with him. He's lived his life masking barely contained rage and if he lets Nasir stay, Nasir will end up hurt. Agron prefers Nasir angry at him and gone, than Nasir hurt and here.

He hasn't told Duro or Spartacus, doesn't plan to until after it's over. Agron knows Duro will be mad, but he won't send Agron away. Spartacus won't say much at first, but he'll be the first one to send Agron after Nasir once he thinks it prudent. Agron is ready for all of that, ready even for how much it'll hurt.

Except then, Nasir walks in through the door.

Agron can see the door opening from his spot on the couch in the living room. He's not ready for the way all the air leaves his lungs, or for how much it hurts when he tries to breathe in. Nasir smiles at him and starts talking as he takes off his black jacket. Agron watches him, tries to memorize how happy Nasir is coming home from the offices of the publishing house he works with. He'll miss the way Nasir hangs his coat on the coat rack but throws his shoes down next to Agron's without caring how they land.

Agron gets up off the couch, the worn fake leather as silent as he is. Nasir spreads his arms out and comes forward, down the hallway with its immaculate white walls, past their bedroom, Nasir's closet, and the kitchen. Agron waits by the entrance to the living room, his eyes sliding over Nasir, taking in the black jeans and the button-down. Nasir makes ten dollars an hour but dresses like he makes more, cheap clothes they get from the stores around the neighborhood that look good.

"How was work?" Nasir asks.

Agron pulls him in, his arms wrapping around Nasir. He's had years to get used to how well they fit, how Nasir is short enough to fit just under Agron's chin. Agron closes his eyes and tries to memorizes the feel of Nasir against him, how soft his hair is between Agron's fingers. He smells like home, a scent that's a mixture of Nasir's shampoo and the city air.

"It was okay," Agron answers.

"That bad," Nasir laughs, his hands rubbing soothing circles low on Agron's back.

Agron nods. It's easier to let Nasir assume that Agron's tired, better that than to have to explain why Agron is sad. It's not hard to believe in any case. Agron works as a glorified box carrier at a shipping yard. He spends all day throwing crates into the back of trucks, gets paid eleven dollars an hour for it, and comes home wrecked.

It's good money, more than he was paid when he worked as a dishwasher. They live well off two 18,000-dollar-a-year salaries, comfortable since it's just the two of them. There are no college loans to pay off, no children to send to school. Their two bedroom apartment is rent controlled, 800 a month, plus gas, electricity, and cable. They eat chemically engineered foods, have decent health insurance, and a good home in a halfway decent neighborhood. So what if they wait until their furniture is falling apart to replace it? And so what if most of their things are gifts handed down from friends who don't need them anymore? It's all so much more than Agron hoped he'd have.

And if sometimes he goes to the spare bedroom and pictures children there, that's no one's business but his own.

"We should go to bed early," Nasir says. "They're making me go in tomorrow because their other secretary is out and we're behind on paperwork."

"What time do you come out of work?" Agron asks, following Nasir back down the same hallway.

Nasir sighs as he opens the bedroom door, doesn't bother with the lights, and falls on their bed fully clothed. "Late," he says.

"Are you hungry?" Agron whispers, shoving Nasir over until Agron fits next to him.

"No," Nasir answers. "Just tired."

Agron turns on his side to wrap his arms around Nasir, who settles closer as best he can while sleeping face down. It doesn't take them long to get comfortable, and Agron waits until Nasir is asleep to get up and smoke a cigarette.

He sits on the living room couch, the fire escape window open to let the smoke out. Their fire alarm doesn't have any batteries, but it's better to be safe because their Super told them there's a backup in the alarm system. The street below Agron is quiet, all the lights out from the building in front of theirs. He can make out all the cars parked tightly behind one another to make as much room as possible. There are shoes on the telephone poles nearest their windows. The kids who sold pot were put away three years ago, but no one's bothered to take down the shoes.

Agron sits for a while longer, just staring at the changing traffic lights to the left. He finishes his cigarette, goes to bed, and falls asleep listening to Nasir's shallow breathing.

-

He wakes up the next morning alone on their queen-sized bed. Nasir's empty coffee cup is next to the TV, on the white dresser where Agron keeps his clothes. Their room is mostly empty, their bed pushed up to the immediate right of the door, a large black cabinet from Mira next to the bed. The wall to the left of the door has a single poster of a Van Gogh painting that Duro gave Agron as a joke. Agron's white dresser is in the middle of the wall opposite their bed, in between the two windows that give a good view of the other two apartment houses that make up their street. It's a good space, if too cold on some winter nights. Agron's considered moving things around to give them more room, but he likes the idea that this will stay the same once he leaves.

He gets up from the bed still in his jeans from last night and stretches. The floor is cold, but Agron's slippers are under the bed and it's too much trouble getting them out. He stands at the doorway of the bedroom for a moment, staring out at the white closet door a step and a half away. The door to the fifth floor hallway is to his left, the living room straight down the hall to his right. Agron tells himself he's not memorizing the layout of his home, but he knows it's three steps to the kitchen doorway anyway.

He and Nasir don't spend enough time in the kitchen. They cook meals for most of the week on Sunday, freeze what they can, and order takeout when it's not enough. They rarely eat in the kitchen, because the kitchen door frame is lower than the other rooms, and Agron always forgets to slouch in order to avoid getting hit when he walks in. Their sink, fridge, stove, and oven take up a third of the kitchen space to the left. In the space left over, next to the kitchen window, they have a table with four folding chairs that Agron got from the restaurant he used to work in. On the wall above the table, there's a splatter of fading tomato juice from the time the cover of the blender fell in while Agron was cooking. He'd tried to clean it, but tomato sticks to cracked paint on walls more than Agron would have imagined.

He turns to leave, decides against it, and sits for a minute at the head of the table closest to the window. He lets his eyes wander over the stains on the walls, the places where the white paint has gone yellow above the stove. They don't use the cupboards above the stove anymore because it's too much effort to clean the grime that accumulates there from the smoke. Agron remembers how Nasir used to complain when they first moved in, how Agron never cleaned right, but how Nasir always refused to do it himself.

"You're taller," he'd say, watching Agron from the chair at the other end of the table.

And Agron would clean, because afterwards, Nasir would say thank you and kiss him.

Agron sighs, and he knows that leaving is going to be the hardest thing he's ever done.

-

"Mira's having a dinner party," Nasir tells Agron that afternoon.

They're eating in the kitchen instead of curled up together in the living room. Nasir didn't say anything about it because Agron had the food heated and the table set when he got home, but he raised an eyebrow when Agron took the seat furthest from him.

"I don't want to go," Agron says, poking at his reheated mashed potatoes and steak.

"Then we won't go."

"No, you go. I'll stay home."

Nasir frowns. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Agron says, getting up to stick his plate in the fridge.

"Bullshit."

Agron gets the anger. He'd be mad too if Nasir lied to him, and the conversation he knows is coming is his fault. Agron should have known better than to assume they didn't know each other well enough to pick up that something was wrong.

"It's just the same shit from work," Agron says, sighing, and it's only half a lie. "Crixus is threatening to shut the company down because money is short. And the assholes from the union won't give him an extra few days to pay his bills, which means we're all going to be without insurance for at least a month. I'm just not getting paid enough for all the bullshit at work. And if we do shut down, that's rent money gone."

"We'll make it work," Nasir says.

"Yeah," Agron nods, sitting down next to Nasir. "I know."

He's calculated their total costs already, so he knows that Nasir is going to barely get by once Agron leaves. It's why he's been putting money in their shared bank account, just enough so that Nasir has something to fall back on until he finds someone to move in with him.

"I don't want you to have to work more than you already do," Agron says. "You're tired enough already."

Nasir leans into his side, his food forgotten on their table. "I work in an office. You lift shit all day. If anyone's tired, it's you. I'll be fine."

"Your company has a good health insurance policy, right?"

"Yeah. I can add you to that if Crixus closes his place down."

"Shit is, he can't afford to," Agron says, unable to stop talking about this now that he's started. "He has a little girl to take care of and Naevia's pregnant. He says he needs the money for the nursery."

"Another baby?"

"Yeah," Agron says, watching Nasir carefully. "He likes kids."

"If he can afford to take care of them, good."

And Agron sees the opening just as he saw it the last time they talked about other people's children, but he doesn't take it. He can't do it, especially not now.

-

Their living room is the biggest room in the house, mostly open space with a black rug underneath the coffee table. Their largest black couch is pushed to the right wall, across from the television Nasir bought when they first moved in. The smaller couch is by the two windows on the wall opposite the living room door. That's where Agron's sitting, feet up on the cushions, his cigarette pack out by the windowsill but unopened. He's trying to stop smoking because it eats up their money, but mostly because he read an article one time about lung cancer.

He has a photo album open on the couch, pictures Nasir has collected from friends or printed out from their computer. In almost all of them, they're leaning towards each other, even when they're looking at different things. There are some where they're standing the exact same way, everything about one mirroring the other.

Agron leaves the album on the couch and his cigarettes by the window. He turns left outside of the living room, down the darker hallway that leads straight to the bathroom. There's a closet to the left before the bathroom that's full of papers neither of them need and books they outgrew a long time ago. The light in the hallway doesn't work, and no one's bothered to change it because they rarely come down this side.

Agron's things fit in his dresser, and his larger coats are in Nasir's closet. The bathroom has its own lights, so there's no point filling up the spaces here. Their extra bedroom is to the left of the bathroom, past one more closet that holds Agron's bike. He goes into the empty room.

It's smaller than the bedroom he and Nasir share, but it looks bigger. The polish on the wooden floor still shines, and the light from the afternoon sun means Agron doesn't need to turn on the lights. This was the room Agron was going to move them into if he and Nasir ever decided they wanted kids. It's darker than their room, not the place for children to play in, he'd thought. He was going to use the closet in the right hand corner to hang his clothes, was going to make Nasir take the one right outside. He'd thought about putting their bed to the left of the door so that when the kids came in, they'd see him and Nasir right away.

He's still sitting there an hour later wondering how he's going to make it without Nasir.

-

Nasir's new boss coming over for dinner is what decides it for Agron. He can see how well Castus gets along with Nasir, how relaxed Nasir is. And Castus, as much as Agron hates to admit it, is a good guy. He's respectful, funny, and obviously charming. He and Nasir get along so effortlessly, and Agron tells himself he's glad for it.

He doesn't say anything that night though, not when Nasir is pushing him down into their bed and kissing him. He lets himself have this, have Nasir gasping into his ear as Agron jerks him off. He lets himself get lost, and if he's a little rougher, a little more desperate, he's the only one who knows why.

-

Telling Nasir doesn't go anything like Agron planned.

"I'm letting you go," Agron tries to explain.

He doesn't understand how it all went to shit. He'd wanted it to be painless, a quick conversation and then he'd be gone.

But Nasir had just glared at him and said, "Three years, Agron. Three fucking years. You owe me an explanation."

So here they are, on opposites sides of their bed. Nasir's running his hands through his hair and trying to control himself. Agron isn't even angry. He's done. He wants to get out, go to Duro's and drink until he forgets.

"Say that one more time," Nasir says. "You're leaving why?"

"I'm not good for you. You know all my shit, how fucked up I can get," Agron says, angry that Nasir is making him say this. "I'm...You deserve better. You don't deserve to be stuck with someone who's going to want to punch anyone who so much as _looks _at you. Or someone who's just waiting for the day you leave."__

__"You think I'm going to leave?"_ _

__"I'm letting you go so you don't have to stay."_ _

__"You don't get to _let_ me do anything," Nasir says, glaring at Agron. "I fucking do it because _I want to_. So fuck you for thinking you can tell me what to do."_ _

__"I know," Agron says._ _

__"No you don't," Nasir tells him. "You have no fucking clue or I wouldn't be hearing this shit."_ _

__Agron doesn't know what to say. It's all too much, having Nasir so close, not knowing how to say what Agron wants to say, not knowing how to make Nasir just understand and let it go. It's all so painful, and it must show on his face because Nasir looks sad now.  
"Agron, babe, listen," Nasir starts, making to come around the bed._ _

__"I left you money in the bank account," Agron interrupts._ _

__"What?"_ _

__"I left you money in the bank account. It's enough for two months' rent. That should be enough until you find someone to move in with you."_ _

__Nasir says nothing. Agron stands there, his eyes closed as he waits. He's hoping Nasir will say something so that he doesn't have to. Anything so that Agron knows that this is the right thing._ _

__"Fuck you."_ _

__Agron looks at Nasir. He expects anger, but all he sees on Nasir's face is resignation. This is good, he thinks. It's better this way._ _

__"Get out," Nasir says, voice gone flat. "Just leave."_ _

__Agron nods, swallows past the pain in his chest._ _

__He makes it all the way to Duro's place before he realizes he can't stop shaking._ _

__-_ _

__"You need to get the fuck off my couch and talk to Nasir," Duro says, three days later._ _

__"No."_ _

__"Then you need to charge your phone and call him."_ _

__"Phone's dead. I don't have my charger."_ _

__"I'll lend you mine."_ _

__"No."_ _

__"Agron."_ _

__"Just leave me alone."_ _

__-_ _

__Spartacus comes over five hours after Agron leaves Nasir. He listens to whatever Agron slurs at him. There's beer involved, but Agron can't remember, and Spartacus doesn't drink. Agron is pretty sure he goes through two packs of cigarettes, and when he wakes up the next morning, he doesn't feel any better._ _

__Nasir tries to come over once, but Agron just has to look at Duro, and Duro sends Nasir away._ _

__Agron never charges his phone._ _

__-_ _

__"You need help," Duro tells him a week later. "Find it."_ _

__Agron says he will, and because he promises, he ends up in Dr. Kore Daelman's office. She's a pretty woman, with dark hair and brown eyes. Agron is taller than her, but when she sticks out her hand and looks him straight in the eyes, it doesn't feel that way._ _

__"Hello," she says when Agron sits across from her. "My name is Kore."_ _

__"Agron," he answers._ _

__She smiles at him, her face open and friendly. Her chair is across from Agron's, in front of her desk. The notepad Agron thought was going to be on her lap at all times is on her desk, forgotten._ _

__"Want to tell me a bit about yourself, Agron?" she asks._ _

__Agron doesn't know if it's because she's a stranger, paid to listen to him and not judge, or if it's because he just needs to talk about that, but he does. He tells her everything, starting with leaving Nasir and ending up talking about his parents. He tells her about losing Duro to foster parents, about how he wants children but doesn't think he's good enough._ _

__Kore listens, nods whenever Agron pauses to look at her, and he just keeps telling her about his life, until even Agron loses track of what he's talking about._ _

__"How long have you two been living together?" Kore asks when Agron pauses to blow his nose._ _

__"Three years."_ _

__"And in those three years, it never occurred to you that you might not be good enough for Nasir?"_ _

__Agron breathes past the lump in his chest. "I was happy," he says._ _

__"You're not now?"_ _

__"He has better friends. He met a guy at work who liked him enough to promote him. They look good together."_ _

__Kore sits up at that, and shifts her chair closer to Agron. Her big brown eyes are sad as she looks at him, her hand warm when she touches the back of his. She reminds Agron of his mother, even the way she smells reminds him of home._ _

__"It's not fair if you decide for him," she says. "He should get a say in how this relationship ends too."_ _

__Agron leans back in his chair and buries his face in his hands. He digs his fingers into the corners of his eyes and rubs the bridge of his nose. "I know," he sighs. "I'm just afraid he'll want to leave."_ _

__"And what if he does?" she asks. "What happens then?"_ _

__Agron looks at her. "What do you think happens? I end up here in your office again or on my brother's fucking couch. Exactly the same shit as this time."_ _

__"No," Kore says, "You were the one who left this time. I asked what would happen if he were the one to leave."_ _

__"I'd deserve it."_ _

__Kore's smile is kind and Agron understands why people pay her good money to talk to her. She's perfected the art of making people comfortable, of letting them know that she's listening and that she understands them. He knows Kore is getting paid to listen to him, but Agron still feels like he can trust her._ _

__"I'm not going to try to convince you to change your mind about that," she says. "But don't you think that if he were the one to leave, your brother would probably let you sleep on his bed? And don't you think that your friend, Spartacus, would bring beer over and let you talk until you were done?"_ _

__"No," Agron says. "Spartacus doesn't drink, and Duro would still put me on the couch. But I get it."_ _

__"I want you to understand something before we end our session today. The worst thing Nasir can do is leave," she says. "The worst thing you can do to yourself is let that eat you alive."_ _

__"You think he's going to leave?"_ _

__Kore shakes her head. "I think you love him, and from what you told me, it sounds like he loves you too. That's all I really know."_ _

__"But, from what I've told you," Agron presses._ _

__He knows he's pushing it, but Kore is patient with him. She smoothes out her skirt and stares at Agron a beat too long._ _

__"I think you should ask him."_ _

__Agron rolls his eyes, but lets out the breath he was holding. "You're no help," he tells her._ _

__"No, of course not," she smiles. "I'll see you next week."_ _

__"Next week," Agron agrees._ _

__-_ _

__"I'm going to ask him," he tells Kore after their second session._ _

__"Good," she says. "Let me know how it goes."_ _

__-_ _

__"I didn't tell him," Agron says on their third._ _

__"That's okay," Kore answers. "It takes time."_ _

__-_ _

__After his fifth session, Agron calls Nasir._ _

__"Can we talk?" he asks._ _

__Nasir is quiet for long enough that Agron has to check whether the call is still connected. "Nasir?" he whispers, hoping he hasn't fucked this up too much._ _

__"Just come home, Agron," Nasir says finally._ _

__"Okay," Agron says, his jaw working in time with the wild beating of his heart. "Okay, yeah."_ _

__-_ _

__It takes a lot of talking, a set of couple's therapy sessions, and Kore's soothing words, but they make it work. Agron will always have his insecurities, but he's better at talking about them now. And Nasir is better at reading the signs, though it gets hard for him sometimes too. They argue a lot more now, but Kore says that it's because Agron is finally learning how to communicate. She tells him not to worry, and Agron doesn't, because Nasir is always there the next morning, even when one of them ends up on the living room couch._ _

__It isn't until Agron himself brings up the conversation about having kids, though, that he realizes how much progress he's made._ _

__Nasir stops brushing his hair long enough to grin at Agron. "We do have that spare bedroom," he says._ _

__And Agron knows they have to really talk about this, but it's enough for now to know that Nasir wants to. That they can make it work together. That Agron doesn't have to do this alone._ _


End file.
